A strange experience

Something rather strange happened to me today.

I had a few hours between things, and decided to go and pay my rent (it was overdue). Unfortunately I had to go across the other side of town to pay it, but fortunately I have a weekly travelcard, so thought I should go and get it out of the way

I was on my way when I had to change trains. When I reached the platform, it was packed with people. I thought this wasn't unusual- it was at the intersection of two lines (and this city only has four tube lines) and quite central. I walked down the platform.

As I stopped, I noticed some people in fluorescent jackets on the line. My first thought was they were doing engineering works. Then I noticed they were crowded around a man who lay across the tracks. Their jackets were that of police and ambulence men.

It's funny how the brain works- my first thought was maybe he had a heart attack and fell. But with slow horror I realised it wasn't possible from the way he was lying, perpendicular across the rails (and the way the metro here is laid out, it would be virtually impossible to fall onto the tracks. It would have to be a consious decision to jump.) He was unconsious. On the platforms, every person was transfixed, watching in silent horror as more policemen ran onto the scene.

The metro workers started to tell people to clear the platforms, and only reluctantly did we start to move, turning back every few seconds to confirm with dread what we thought we had seen. It was horrible. I thought I was going to cry. On leaving the station, I was in two states of mind: one verbal, logical, thinking "How will I get across town to pay my rent now?" (and I know how callous that sounds but it was really the only response I can explain), and the second I can't explain in words as it was purely emotional, but it was something like "ohmygodohmygodohmygod".

I walked to the bus stop. Everything felt like it wasn't quite there- as if I was walking on a projected image of the city. I paid my rent on autopilot and ate a hot dog. It was only when I returned to the hospital I ran into one of the doctors in the street. When I told him what happened, he was very understanding, and bought me a cake 'to raise my blood sugar'. He said something similar had happened to him and he'd felt similarly shaken afterwards. I continued my day, feeling better at least that I had talked to someone and they'd understood.

The thing is: I've talked to suicidal patients, who've told me their plans in great depth. I've talked to people who've attempted suicide and regretted surviving afterwards. I've talked to people who say that if they leave hospital, they'll do it again. It was hard but I can handle it. But seeing a body, seeing it so final (I don't know if he was hit by a train, but there are signs everywhere that the tracks are live so anyone touching the lines would probably be electrocuted....) really shook me. Why wasn't this man someone I'd see in the ER saying "I feel suicidal, please help"? Had he already been? What was his story? Why was he there? And why was I there?

And why could neither I nor anyone else turn out heads away? Is it more that just a car-crash reflex? Is it our collective guilt for witnessing someone else's tragedy too late? Is it our shocked realisation that people do this, in front of our eyes and we can't pretend it happens somewhere else far away from our comfortable lives? Is it fear that it could one day be us or someone we know? Watching this man, I felt he was someone I 'knew', in that he was as much flesh and blood as I am now, and I wanted to turn back the clock and stop it from happening.

And why can't I stop thinking about this?